It was a great joy to be asked to lead a CVM seminar at the Gathering, addressing Mental Health. We covered a lot of ground, and delved into some very powerful and honest questions.
I spoke about the need to work with negative reality. And I shared the following story:
Shortly after moving to Alaska, I met a guy who kindly offered to show me around some of the mountain trails. It was springtime, and there were patches of melting snow as we hiked up the mountain. After a few hours, we had almost reached the summit. The terrain, however, was getting tricky. I took one wrong step on the slushy snow, and straight down the mountain I slid. My hands and boots were desperately trying to dig into the snowy rock face. After what felt like an age I eventually stopped in a huge patch of gravelly, icy, slush. My hands were raw, and the whole front of my body was numb from the sliding.
What I remember about the guy who led me up the mountain, was that the whole time I was sliding down he was calling out: ‘you’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay’. When I stopped he then shouted: ‘ARE YOU OKAY?’
Now in that situation, sliding down a mountain, I didn’t need to hear that I was okay. I needed someone to acknowledge the negative reality of my situation. Someone to recognise that I was in a crisis. Fortunately there was an experienced hiker nearby, who called out to me, and made me feel at ease. He literally told me where to put each step, to get back to the trail.
It is so vital to allow for negative reality. It’s important on mountain trails, but also important when supporting a mate who is sharing news that is difficult or unsettling. If a friend says something to you or me about his own fears, and we response with a kind of distant ‘you’ll be okay’, that becomes a way of leaving that friend stranded. It tells him that we are not reliable to offer deep support.
It is very natural and understandable to see someone suffering and want to give them reassuring words, but what is often more powerful and more helpful is to enter into their pain, their own not-knowing, and their fears, without judging or declaring a great truth that they might not be able to take in at that moment.
My time at the Gathering was really inspiring. I loved the games, listening to the other speakers, and I felt so encouraged through all the conversations and support. It was such a strengthening time. I think holding onto the idea of ‘negative reality’ for yourself, and towards your mates at CVM, allows for our relationships to be even more powerful. The stronger we are in accepting and holding the more difficult circumstances around us, the more useful we can be towards others, because we can better work with the reality of what is being experienced.
Image credit: Jeremy Perkins via Unsplash
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